


Where You Lead

by rozabellalove



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Hurt Jared Padalecki, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-21
Updated: 2012-04-21
Packaged: 2017-11-04 02:06:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/388476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rozabellalove/pseuds/rozabellalove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared sometimes wonders whether his gorgeous but oblivious housemate, Jensen knows how much Jared wants him. Jensen, for his part, has no idea of the pain that Jared goes through every day, just contemplating leaving the house.</p>
<p>Warnings: mentions of past violence, phobia</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where You Lead

Jared 

Jared’s morning coffee was a subject that he and Jensen had decided never to get into again. If they wanted to keep their friendship then there were some things they just couldn‘t talk about any more, and Jared‘s sugar obsession was one of them. To Jensen it was sacrilegious to even call the stuff coffee, nothing with that much sugar in it should be called anything other than syrup. Not to mention the swirls of whipped cream, the liberal dusting of cocoa and the ground flakes of chocolate that Jared lovingly heaped on top. 

If Jared was completely honest it had got to the point where the creations he made each day were a little more sickly than he actually liked, but he loved watching Jensen’s freckle-covered face scrunch up into that adorable frown as he went overboard every time. Jensen’s own morning coffee order was boring black, strong and lots of it. The bitter brew seemed to chase away the shadows under Jensen‘s eyes miraculously every morning. 

To say that Jared’s housemate wasn’t a morning person would be the understatement of the year. Problem was, Jared had found himself in a rut since they met. Jensen had somehow developed this mental image of Jared as a big fun-loving puppy dog; a bouncy, happy-go-lucky guy with boundless energy who practically pooped rainbows. Ok, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration, but seriously, Jensen had formed this idea of him and no matter what Jared did, the image was sticking. 

It made Jensen happy though, their morning charade. At least Jared hoped it did. Jensen would screw up his perfect little nose as if Jared’s coffee offended his sense of smell, and then laugh at the foam and cream mustache that formed on Jared’s upper lip as he took a huge gulp of the sickly concoction and moaned as if it was the most delicious thing he‘d ever tasted. 

If Jared was lucky and Jensen was in a good mood then sometimes he would even lean over and wipe away the foamy mess, thumb skimming Jared’s lip to gather all the cream away. And once, one heart-stoppingly perfect time, Jensen had held up his thumb and let Jared lick off the sweet foam. But nothing ever seemed to come of their morning flirtations. The tension between them felt like maybe it was something only Jared could sense. He was pretty certain that if you asked Jensen he’d laugh and frown, saying it was just the two of them goofing off, he seemed so oblivious to the way Jared pined for him.

So when Jensen went to work early every morning, suit crisply pressed, shoes shined to a perfect gloss, Jared would deflate as the door closed. The crinkles around his eyes smoothed out as he stopped smiling, shoulders sagging, he’d suddenly look six inches shorter and five years older. His day was only just beginning, and already the best part was over.

Without Jensen in it the house was too quiet, there was too much emptiness and nothing to fill it with until Jensen came home, which was usually late at night. Jensen worked long hours. 

There was his own work to do. His writing took up a lot of the day, but he found it hard to concentrate when he was distracted with thoughts of his housemate flitting through his head constantly. He found himself scanning the open-plan rooms, almost hoping to see Jensen sprawled on a couch. Huffing out a disappointed sigh when his glance swept through the room and he found that he was still alone. 

If Jared’s days felt lonely though, it was nothing compared to the nights. Jensen’s work friends partied hard four or five nights a week. Most of the time he’d see Jensen for a few minutes before he was at the door again, changed and ready to go out. It made Jared stop in his tracks, the sight of Jensen fresh out of his work suit, low-slung designer jeans hugging his hips, just a hint of the waistband of his underwear creeping above the waist of the denim. Jensen’s skin was pale but peppered with auburn freckles that dipped into the hollows of his muscles. His forearms were covered in fine, golden hair that caught the afternoon light as he’d reach up to rub a little product through his spikes, messing them up artfully until he looked perfectly rumpled, sexy-casual.

He’d usually invite Jared to come along, but the one and only time he’d actually taken Jensen up on it he’d felt alone even while surrounded by Jensen’s friends. They talked about whatever it was they did in the office (Jared didn’t have a clue, it was something to do with trading stocks and bonds. Jensen had tried to explain it to him more than once but Jared just didn‘t have a head for figures). The way they threw jargon back and forth was like it was going out of fashion, telling inside jokes and laughing raucously as if their reactions were being monitored by some kind of judging panel: ‘Oh yes, there’s Ted, getting a solid seven point nine for his knee-slapping technique, but he’s beaten hands down by Martin’s beer-spluttering laugh, always a crowd-pleaser, that one.’

Jensen had given him the ‘I’m sorry these guys are such jerks’ look, before turning back to the group and seeming to join in with their communal perving on the scantily-clad waitresses. Jared had made his excuses and left as quickly as he could after that. He didn’t know whether Jensen had really cared that he was gone, but at least he never tried to cajole Jared into another night out with his colleagues after that.

In between Jensen’s work nights out were the very few nights when they both collapsed on the couch and just vegged out, watching shitty TV and drinking the occasional beer. Jensen would never have to know that the only human contact Jared had most days was the moment when Jensen’s fingers would lightly skim over his own as he grabbed a bottle from his housemate’s hand, or the brief second when Jensen’s bare toes would brush Jared’s leg as he curled up on the couch. 

As a freelance journalist Jared made a crappy amount of money every month writing articles about topics that meant absolutely nothing to him but filled up pages in the various magazine’s and papers that picked up his work. Jared had retreated so much into his work, but he was a story-spinner at heart, and Jensen ate up every little made-up interaction from Jared’s fake days. His favorites seemed to be Jared’s imaginary trips to the grocery store, the chronically clumsy bag boy who always managed to spill something on Jared, the checkout girl who looked so bored that she was in danger of slipping into a coma while still beeping items mechanically through the tills. Jensen was never around when Jared got their grocery shopping done online and delivered straight to their door without him ever stepping foot outside the front door. What he didn’t know couldn’t upset the delicate balance of their life together.

Jensen 

The sticky residue of Jared’s coffee sat in a thin layer on Jensen’s thumb. To look at him as he walked through the hallway you would think he had nothing on his mind except the grueling day of work ahead of him. The light oak door swung shut behind him and he forced himself to walk a full two blocks before he put his thumb up to his mouth and slowly sucked the sweetness away from his skin until there was nothing left at all.

The easy flirtation with Jared had somehow snuck up on him when he wasn’t expecting it. Years of trying to learn how to talk to people, how to get over the usual shyness had suddenly melted away when the floppy-haired giant answered his ad for a housemate. 

When they‘d met, Jared had been in an on-again-off-again relationship with a guy he‘d met in college, and Jensen had just broken up with his last girlfriend. He‘d been with her a couple of years, but never felt the connection with her that he’d almost instantly felt with Jared. Physical attraction was a strong part of it. Jensen could only imagine how satisfying it would be to press himself against Jared’s long, lean body, to bury his hands in the soft, dark waves of Jared’s hair. More than that, though, was the simple connection they shared. Jared made him laugh; he was the only person Jensen really wanted to spend time with, the only person Jensen thought about whenever he imagined his future, imagined growing old with someone. 

It had taken Jensen a long time to realize what that connection meant, and once he had realized how important it was, he also understood that he couldn‘t lose Jared. Putting his feelings out there and being rejected was not something he was willing to risk, until he knew for certain how Jared felt about him. He had enough in his life to keep him busy. Work took up a lot of his time and kept him from thinking about their situation too much.

He was pretty happy at Berkeley and Bronson, the job could be fun even if the hours were long. The guys were a laugh when things were going well, but the pressure was sometimes a little more than he could handle. It was part of why he spent so many nights out letting off steam. He knew it wasn’t Jared’s thing, and Jensen’s colleagues weren’t the most inclusive of people. 

Somewhere along the line Jensen had found himself stuck with his colleagues’ pre-conceptions that he was a straight guy, playing the field and getting laid every night with mind-blowingly hot women. He wasn‘t sure how to let them know that it wasn‘t true now that he‘d stupidly let it go on for so long without saying anything. 

It made him smile, though, knowing that the main reason he could talk to these gorgeous girls without feeling self-conscious was because he had absolutely no interest in them, beyond friendship. Women loved that he wasn’t nervous around them, loved his confidence and the fact that he never pushed them to get physical with him. Inevitably he had to let them down gently and that just furthered his image as a stud. The guys would clap him on the back and ask him for tips, never thinking about the fact that they never once saw Jensen kiss a girl or take her home. 

Once they’d started calling him a stud, giving him this totally undeserved reputation, it was hard to correct them. Especially because his boss seemed to love him for it, and the praise and credit extended into his working life too. He was the golden boy of the office, but he still worked hard for it, and he knew that if he let them in on his little secret then his hard work would be for nothing. As much as they might pretend to be an equal-opportunities employer, as much as his boss might say he didn’t care what they did in their personal lives, Jensen knew that his work-life depended on them seeing him as the same womanizing party-animal he’d unwittingly painted himself to be. At least, that was Jensen’s worry anyway. Part of him thought maybe if he just braved up to it he’d find out that there was nothing to worry about, but the bigger, scared part told him it was better to be safe and so he kept the truth to himself.

He didn’t quite know how to tell them that he’d rather be sitting at home with Jared, laughing over guilty-pleasure TV and picking pieces of beef in oyster sauce out of a takeaway carton. He also hadn’t yet figured out how to subtly let Jared know that one day he’d like to do more on that couch than just sit at opposite ends, darting glances at his housemate whenever he was absolutely sure he wouldn’t get caught. He most loved the moments when something would make Jared smile and two big dimples would pop into being. He could stare for hours, but allowed himself only a glance at a time. 

Jared seemed happy in his life, settled and content. There was no need to rock the boat, not when what they already had was almost enough.

Jared 

The one person Jared spoke to more than Jensen, more than anyone really, was Genevieve. Sure, she was an online friend, but that didn’t mean she didn’t know more about his life than just about everyone else in it. They chatted throughout the day while Jared worked. She lived miles away and neither of them could really afford to meet up, but her support was invaluable to him all the same.

 **Jay715** : What’s another word for ‘throbbing’?

**Gennybabe** : Throbbing??!? What the fuck are you writing, Paddy? Please don’t tell me you’ve ventured into online porn again? 

**Jay715** : No! No porn. Geez, mind out of the gutter please, Gen. It’s a medical thing. Can you help or not?

**Gennybabe** : Throbbing… how about thumping? Ooh, or pulsing.

**Jay715** : Pulsing’s good. And what do you mean ‘again’? I’ve never written porn.

**Gennybabe** : Just testing, hon. You know, all those unresolved feelings about Jensen have to come out somewhere. I just figured you might have written some hot boy on boy action somewhere that I could check out…

**Jay715** : *grins* Yeah, keep dreaming, Cortese. 

**Gennybabe** : Oh I will. So how is the love-affair-that-never-was coming along anyway? You gonna tell him anytime soon? I don’t think I can wait any longer, you know! If you don’t tell him I might just have to venture out of my comfort zone and come down there myself.

**Jay715** : Yeah, It‘s time I said something, huh?

**Gennybabe** : Yes! Come on. Don’t leave me hanging, Paddy. You owe me this!

**Jay715** : Yeah. I’m gonna tell him…

**Jay715** : When Hell freezes over :(

**Gennybabe** : :( You had me going there. I had my wedding outfit planned and everything. 

**Jay715** : Gen, seriously. How do I tell him this? I’ve loved him for so long now. He’d think it was some kind of sick joke. He’s got no idea. He thinks we’re just friends.

**Gennybabe** : He can’t be that stupid, Jay. Not if you care that much about him. Do you like stupid men? No. 

**Jay715** : He’s not stupid. That doesn’t mean he knows how I feel. And if he does know then he’s already decided he doesn’t feel the same way, otherwise he’d have done something about it, right? Unless he’s not into guys. You know, we’ve never really talked about it in that way. He knows I’ve been with guys, but he’s so private, we just haven’t talked about his sexuality at all. 

**Gennybabe** : Have you ever seen him with anyone? Guy or girl?

**Jay715** : I know he had girlfriends in the past but he hasn’t had one in the years we’ve been living together. I don’t know. Maybe he does know. Maybe he knows and he just doesn’t want me. I can’t take that, Gen. It’s just better this way. Better if I never know if he knows. Better if I never ever tell him how I feel.

**Gennybabe** : *sigh* Jay, he’d be lucky to have you. Guys like you don’t come around that often, believe me. I’m still looking for my own Padalecki hunk. If Jensen doesn’t want you then he doesn’t deserve you. Promise me you’ll think about telling him, ‘kay?

**Jay715** : I’ll think about it, Gen. I promise. Doesn’t mean I’ll do anything about it, though.

**Gennybabe** : I know, I know. But seriously, honey, do it for me, okay? ;) I need more gossip in my life, and you are the most useless source of gossip ever!

**Jay715** : What are you trying to say? Am I boring you?!

**Gennybabe** : Lol, yeah you are!! Only kidding, honey. You never bore me, you know that. Go do some work now, assmunch. I gotta head out and pick up my little angel from pre-school, okay? *hugs*

**Jay715** : *hugs* okay, talk later. Gimme a shout when you get back.

**Gennybabe** : Will do, honey. *BIG HUGS*

_Gennybabe has logged out_

Jared sat back and stared at the screen, willing the words for his article to just put themselves into place and be done. He didn’t have the concentration for it now though, not after Gen had made him think of the whole thing with Jensen. Over the edge of his laptop screen he could see the strong, golden sunshine filtering through the blinds. It was early Friday afternoon and Jensen wouldn’t be home for hours. Maybe a few months ago he would have gone for a walk or a drive, called up a friend and made plans to meet up, but for some time now he’d been slowly retreating into himself more and more. He saw them sometimes, but it was usually in his own home, or if he could bring himself to go out then he would arrange to meet them locally, but it was getting harder every time. 

He hadn‘t left the house at all for a month or two now, and the last time had been awful. An aborted attempt to head to the bank and sort out his finances. It had ended with him huddled on the pavement just half a block away from the front door, heart pounding in chest, honking car horns blaring in his ears, before he‘d managed to scramble back to the house and lock himself inside again. He couldn‘t let Jensen see him like that, would never allow Jensen to know how useless he was.

A small yellow envelope popped up in the corner of his screen, pulling Jared’s attention away from his contemplation. Jared took a deep breath, eyes closed, waiting until the fear eventually ebbed away. He clicked on the message and slowly became absorbed in his online world again, clicking through his links and ordering up some groceries to be delivered later that day. 

Thoughts of Jensen receded until he was nothing more than a dull ache in the background, mingling with the loneliness and misery that Jared didn’t even recognize as part of his life anymore.

Jensen

“Ackles, get in here!”

Jensen’s heart thumped as his boss’s voice rang out across their open-plan floor. A couple of the guys gave him curious looks before returning to their conversations. It didn’t sound good, but Jensen took a deep breath and stood up, walking to the door of the only office on the floor with a confidence that he didn’t really feel. 

Martin’s door was thick, solid wood. The office was the only place where you could see everything that was going on outside but still have some privacy; Martin kept the blinds half open so he could keep an eye on his employees. He sat imperiously behind a clutter-free desk, hands folded over his portly stomach. Jensen tried a little smile as he sat down and for a second there was no response, then suddenly Martin was up and walking around the desk. Jensen felt his palms get clammy and suddenly Martin clapped him on the back and roared out a laugh, “Had you going there, eh Ackles? Damn near pissing your pants, huh?”

Jensen grinned in relief and let out a huffed laugh, “You know it, boss. Thought I’d screwed up one of my trades or something.” He was still a little wary, but Martin was perched on the edge of the desk now, all the intimidation was gone from his posture. 

“Just the opposite, Jensen. The three bigger trades you did last week have netted you over double your monthly target. You’ve had an amazing few weeks, and I’ve noticed how hard you’ve been working. I want you to take the afternoon off. Get an early start to the weekend. Come back in here fresh on Monday and do it all again for me. How does that sound?” Martin was grinning and Jensen couldn’t help but respond with an answering smile.

“Are you sure? I‘ve got so much to do this afternoon. I was going to stay ‘til nine with the-” 

Martin cut him off with a laugh, “Yes, I’m sure. Take it, you’ve earned it.”

Jensen stood hesitantly and Martin laughed again. “Go on, go!” he grinned and headed for the door, mind already racing forward to the moment he’d surprise Jared. The weekend opened up wide before him and it seemed like anything could happen.

Jensen

Walking out of the office it was as if a weight lifted from Jensen’s shoulders all at once. As soon as he was outside and alone he felt the freedom of being away from his colleagues and the persona he had built for them. The subway was close by, and it was a short ride from the station to the stop closest to home. He stopped at the Walmart a few blocks from their place, the one where Jared did their grocery shopping, and picked up a six-pack of beer from the chillers.

Without thinking about it he began to look around, hoping to catch a glimpse of Jared, or at least maybe see some of the characters that Jared told him about every week. But the checkout girls all seemed perky and cheerful, so maybe the sullen one wasn’t working today. And there were no bag boys to help out at this place. Jensen started to wonder whether maybe he was in the wrong store. He had been sure Jared went to that one most Fridays. 

Jensen wandered back onto the street, the sun was shining brightly and he’d soon be home. He was looking forward to telling Jared about his killer week at work, just the thought of Jared’s big, dimpled smile made him warm all over.

He was nearly home when he caught sight of the delivery van parked outside. The Walmart logo was emblazoned on the side, and the delivery guy was walking up to Jensen’s front door. He stopped for a moment, confused, wondering why Jared had decided to order the groceries instead of going out to get them himself. For a second he was worried, until he realized maybe Jared was just busy working on a piece and didn’t want to lose his flow. Or maybe he just didn’t feel like popping out today. 

As he got a few steps further, Jensen saw Jared open the door, and was struck by a sense of uncertainty. Jared was hunched over in the doorway, barely making eye contact with the deliveryman. One arm was slung around his middle, as if to shield himself from the world outside. The other hand clung to the door so hard that Jared’s knuckles were white. As soon as the bags were unloaded, Jared tentatively held out a note to the delivery boy, fingers visibly shaking, and scuttled back inside the house, slamming the door quickly behind him. 

The delivery guy shook his head in a resigned way. Jensen stood rooted to the spot, wondering what he was going to say when he opened that door for himself.

Jared

Jared’s breath came in sharp bursts that only began to slow once he heard the van pulling away. He allowed himself to uncurl, the tension beginning to leave his body as he stretched out and scooped up the bags into long arms and tried to carry them to the kitchen all in one go. A can of tomatoes toppled out of the top bag and fell to the floor. Jared cursed and kneeled down, trying to pick it up without dropping the other bags. Just as he had the bags perfectly balanced between one arm, his body and his knee, he heard the noise of a key in the lock and froze as the door opened.

The shock made Jared lose his grip on the bags, groceries spilling across the floor as he huddled back against the wall. Jensen walked partway through the door and stopped in the middle, calling out Jared’s name. The sunlight framed him in the doorway and Jared couldn’t see the expression on his face. His mouth was dry and his heart was racing, palms suddenly clammy with sweat, skin flushed and hot. He couldn’t think straight, his whole body was begging him to run, but the shock and fear had him paralyzed. At the same time his mind was trying to apply logic to the whole thing. It was just Jensen, just doing something as normal as coming home early from work. It didn’t work, though. The panic had hold of him and his heart just wouldn’t stop thundering in his ears. 

He closed his eyes and tried to breathe slowly, shutting out the sound of Jensen gently closing the door and picking his way over the strewn cans and boxes. The hand on his shoulder was warm and comforting, Jensen’s familiar smell surrounded him as Jensen enveloped him in a soft hug. For a moment he felt the panic rise, but as Jensen’s arms tightened his heart began to slow down, going from a racing, rapid pounding to a quieter, steadier thumping. 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Jay, it’s just me. It’s okay, it’s okay.” The vibrations of Jensen’s voice rumbled against his skin, and suddenly he was able to breathe properly again, sucking in great lungfuls of air until he felt the anxiety slowly receding.

“Jensen?” He managed. “What…? Why are you back?” He risked looking up as Jensen pulled back, and recognized the worry in Jensen’s eyes.

Jensen slumped beside him against the wall, ignoring the groceries covering the floor. His shirt sleeves were rolled up and his suit jacket was in a pile in the doorway, thrown over the hastily dropped beer that was probably going to explode pretty soon. Their bare elbows rested against each other, as they both sat with their arms wrapped around hunched up knees. “Martin gave me the afternoon off. I came back here ‘cause I wanted to spend it with you.”

Neither of them said anything for a few minutes, and Jared wondered how he was going to explain it all to Jensen. How would it sound to a rational person? Jensen leaned over and squeezed Jared’s arm, before shoving himself to his feet and beginning to pick up the groceries. No questions or recriminations. A bag landed between Jared’s legs and he looked up to catch a little grin flitting across Jensen’s face.

Jensen

Jensen’s head was spinning as he made it to the kitchen and dumped the groceries onto the counter. He badly wanted to ask Jared what was going on, but something was stopping him. Maybe it was the way Jared had reacted in the first place, or maybe it was the awkward silence between them as they moved around each other, filling up the fridge and the cabinets. Either way, it was pretty obvious that Jared wasn’t about to just open up and spill it right now.

Once everything was put away Jensen grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge, ones that had been in there a few days and hadn’t been dropped on the floor. Jared was perched on a stool, all gangly arms and long legs. The beer bottle Jensen placed in front of him looked tiny in those giant hands, and Jensen had to force himself to take a gulp of his own to keep himself from staring. He walked to the far wall and leaned against the sink, facing Jared.

Jared’s bottle clinked onto the counter and suddenly Jensen realized he was building up to saying something.

“You remember this time last year we had that hot spell?” Jared was staring at the bottle and picking at the label without looking Jensen’s way.

“Uh huh.”

“And I was sorta seeing that guy, Andy?” Jared glanced up and Jensen nodded along, “You remember why we broke up?” 

“Not really. I was away that week on the team building thing with work. When I got back he was just gone. You never told me why.” Jensen didn’t add that he’d tried to talk to Jared about it and been brushed off.

Jared closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “I didn’t tell anyone why, Jen. It wasn’t just you.” There was a long silence between them, as Jensen was just about to break it, Jared started again, “We were out one night. We’d gone out to catch a film, can’t remember anymore what we saw, but we’d had a good time. We were on our way back. I was just heading into the subway, Andy was going to walk back to his place and I was coming back here. We’d just said goodbye and I turned to go down the steps...” Jared paused and chewed on his lower lip.

“Jay, you don’t have to go on if it’s too-”

“No, Jen, I do. You’ve lived with me now for so long and I haven’t been honest with you. You deserve to know the truth. And maybe it’ll help me too.” Jared sighed and took a deep gulp from the beer bottle. “So, as I turned around there were these guys, waiting a few steps from the top. I tried to go around them but they got in my way, jostling me with their shoulders. One of them shouted something. I can’t remember what he said, but it was loud enough that Andy heard. I saw him turn and look at me. He looked me right in the eye, and you know what I saw?”

Jensen shook his head, “No.”

Jared’s grin was a bitter, twisted thing, accompanied by a shake of his head, “I saw how afraid he was, Jen. And I get it, it was a shitty situation. I didn‘t expect him to put himself into danger for me. Hell, I know it could have just made things worse if he‘d tried to stand up to them, but he could have done _something_ to help me. You know, call the cops or something? It was three on one. Three guys shoving me into the wall, taking my wallet, my keys, my phone. And instead of helping, what does my asshole boyfriend do? He fucking runs away. He left me alone. No money, nothing but the clothes on my back. Oh yeah, and a couple of black eyes, too.”

“Fuck, Jay. How could he do that to you?” Jensen began to close the distance between them, walking slowly across the kitchen.

Jared’s voice roughened, “I don’t know.” He pushed the hair back from his forehead, “He called here that evening, apologising, begging me to forgive him. Said he’d reacted out of fear, said he was ashamed. I just…I couldn’t talk about it. He’d left me there, Jen. He didn‘t even know if I was alive when he left. He just ran. Strangers helped me, called the cops. Fucking strangers! My own boyfriend didn’t care enough to help but they did. I never spoke to him again, just stopped taking his calls.”

Jensen closed the distance between them and took a seat next to Jared. He wanted to reach out and comfort his housemate, but he didn’t know if Jared would welcome it yet. Suddenly he remembered coming home from the work trip, how Jared had stayed in his room, had said he was sick. Jensen had left him to it, figuring Jared just didn’t like a lot of attention when he wasn’t feeling well. “I’m sorry, Jay. Wish I’d known what had happened.”

Jared looked up at him with a weak smile. “I know. And I know now that I should have told you, but I was embarrassed, Jen. I mean, look at me - I’m over six feet tall. I’m not exactly a small guy, but these guys made me feel weak. I didn’t even fight back. Didn’t even try.” He shook his head, eyes tightly closed.

This time Jensen did reach out, hooking an arm over Jared’s shoulders and pulling him in close. “Come on, Jay. It was three on one, how could you have done anything different? Maybe if Andy had stayed to help you would have stood a chance, but on your own? No, man. You did the best you could.”

“You think?” Jared’s voice was small.

“Yes. Hell yeah. Who knows what they might have done if you’d fought back. Could’ve made the whole thing a lot worse. You did the right thing. That‘s what they say, right? Don‘t try to be a hero. You did what anyone else would have done.” Jensen squeezed Jared’s shoulders tightly and Jared folded into his arms. His body shook with quiet sobs, warm tears soaking through the fabric of Jensen’s shirt. Jensen could just make out the odd word as Jared apologised and kept trying to explain. “Shhh, hey, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it, okay? It’s over now, Jay.”

Jared pulled back, face red and damp, “But it’s not, Jen. It’s with me every day. Every time I try to forget about it, go out and have a good time I just…I just fail at the first hurdle. Going out there, I used to be able to do it, but most of the time I had to work up to it. It’s not easy. These days…I just don‘t go out there.”

“And that’s why you started working more from home recently?” Jensen thought back to a couple of years before when Jared had split his work time, partly doing freelance stuff at home but also working at the offices of a local magazine. He’d started working purely on the freelance stuff a little while after Andy disappeared.

“Yeah,” Jared nodded and sniffed, “it was just easier. Safer, you know?”

Jensen pulled him in tight again, “I get it, Jay. I really do. You don’t have to be embarrassed about it anymore.” Jared’s arms wrapped around him and they hugged while Jared’s tears subsided.

Jared

Jensen’s arms were thick and strong around him, comforting him with a heavy warmth he’d only daydreamed about before. Once the tears had dried up and he‘d had time to calm down completely, Jared’s thoughts began to turn to other things. The heat of Jensen’s skin beneath the thin white shirt, the light, spicy smell of his cologne. Jared found himself nuzzling into Jensen’s neck unthinkingly, just enjoying the skin-on-skin contact. Up close he could see the small freckles that peppered Jensen’s neck, leading a trail down to his shoulders and under the collar of his shirt.

A soft breath tickled the hairs on his face and Jared felt Jensen turn his head just a fraction, enough that his lips were there, within easy reach. He moved towards them and Jensen didn’t pull away. The first brush of Jensen’s lips against his own was light, almost hesitant. Jensen seemed to be giving him a chance to change his mind, as if maybe it was a mistake. The tentative slip of Jensen’s tongue against his lower lip made Jared’s head spin. He pushed up into Jensen’s mouth, pressing their lips together almost hard enough to bruise. 

A quiet moan escaped Jensen’s throat, and the stools fell from under them as Jared stood and pulled Jensen into a tighter embrace, crushing their bodies together, arms wrapped possessively around Jensen‘s waist. Jensen’s fingers tangled in Jared’s hair, tugging him down. Jensen’s tongue was slick and hot inside Jared’s mouth, but as quickly as it had begun, suddenly it was over. Jensen was pulling back and Jared didn’t understand why.

“Wait, not like this, Jay.” Jensen was breathless and flushed, lips swollen, pink and wet.

He felt his heart constrict in his chest, it was too hard to breathe. Jensen didn’t want him, he’d just let Jared kiss him because Jared was upset. “Shit, shit I’m sorry. God, I’m such an idiot. Should’ve known you wouldn’t want-”

“Shut up, Jay.” Jensen half laughed, cutting him off mid-flow. “I _do_ want this…you. I want it, okay? But not when you’re upset. I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

“You wouldn’t be. I’m not drunk or anything. I know what I‘m doing.”

Jensen reached up and wrapped a hand around the back of Jared’s neck, pulling him down so their foreheads were touching. “Just trust me on this, okay. Give it time. I want you, I do. But I want you when your head’s clear. When you know exactly how you feel.” Without giving him a chance to say anything further, Jensen walked away, leaving Jared alone in the kitchen, a hopeful and slightly dazed smile on his face.

Jensen

Leaving Jared alone after such a heartfelt kiss was one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do, but Jensen knew he couldn’t risk hurting Jared even more in the long run. He had to know that Jared wanted this without the background of those negative emotions clouding his judgment. His body was aching, begging him to go back in there and finish what they’d started, but until he felt that Jared was completely ready he was going to take a step back and wait

The next few days were ridiculously hard. Things were awkward between them and neither of them seemed to know how to bring up what had happened. Jensen began to take more notice of Jared’s comings and goings, and realized that he’d had his eyes shut for some time now, Jared never left the house. He kicked himself for being so blind. His long hours meant he never really got to see Jared in the middle of the day. Never usually came home early or even took much time off. He could easily spend six or seven days a week in the office without thinking much about it. It was the nature of the job. All the same, he began to realize what a bad friend he’d let himself be, allowing himself to be blind to Jared’s pain.

For his part Jared seemed to alternate between almost flirting with Jensen and outright avoiding him. Jensen figured he would be feeling a little hurt and maybe rejected, but with time he began to really recognize that Jared’s feelings were still there, even after the emotions of that Friday afternoon had passed. 

Slowly things returned to normal. Except that now Jensen had a heightened awareness of Jared’s every move. He took care not to surprise his housemate wherever possible, fearing another panic attack, but he resolved to get Jared out and about again if it was at all possible. His priorities had shifted, and work became so much less important. Slowly, he began to take the days he was entitled to, cutting down his time in the office and out with his colleagues until it was a little more manageable. 

His plans to help Jared started with a barbecue in the back garden. Jensen took his time preparing Jared’s favorites indoors while Jared hovered and watched. He left the French doors open so the smells of the outdoors and plenty of fresh air came into the kitchen, along with the occasional waft of smoke from the grill. The sun was blazing down as Jensen took the meat out to the grill, and he knew Jared was waiting at the door, watching Jensen enjoy the sun on his skin. Jensen was well prepared; he’d brought out plates and covers before starting to cook, so he didn’t have to take anything back inside when it was cooked. The food was placed to one side, the smell of Jensen’s homemade barbecue marinade mingled with the smoke to create a delicious aroma. His own mouth was watering so he could only imagine how bad it would be for Jared.

He cracked open a cold beer and glanced Jared’s way before turning away, as if he hadn’t even noticed that Jared hadn’t quite stepped through the doorway yet. As the last pieces of meat came off the grill Jensen shut the lid and put together a heaped plateful of food for himself, sitting at their garden table with his back to Jared.

Jensen had been sitting out there for so long that he was getting tired of forcing himself to keep eating the food by the time he heard Jared’s footsteps finally crossing the yard. His plate was practically empty and his belly was distended with food, but his plan had worked. Jared sat next to him quietly for a minute, wolfing down Jensen’s lovingly prepared food as if he had a plane to catch. The moment he was done Jared grabbed both of their plates and went back inside. Jensen heard the clink and splash of dishes being washed and grinned, leaning back in the chair and resting his hands over his swollen belly. It was totally worth it.

Over the following weeks Jensen got Jared out into the garden more and more until finally Jared seemed comfortable enough out there and went out without being prompted. The front door was harder, though. He managed to get Jared to the point where he could step outside for a minute or two, with slow coaxing and encouragement. Over the weeks Jensen worked with him, Jared slowly began to lose his inhibitions and brave going out past their small front garden, right out into the street when Jensen was there with him. 

What Jensen really wanted to see though, was Jared taking that step without hesitation and with less fear. He eventually came up with a plan that he hoped would work. Since their first kiss nothing else had happened between them, but he sensed that Jared was waiting for something, some sign from Jensen that he was ready to try giving things a go. Jensen knew what Jared wanted, but he couldn‘t get into anything without knowing that Jared was really on the road to recovery. 

The morning after Jensen formulated his plan he woke up early and spent a little longer than usual getting ready. He was freshly shaven, perfectly dressed in his most expensive suit and smelling good by the time Jared stumbled downstairs to make their morning coffees. Usually Jared was already up and waiting for him, so the shock on his face when he walked into the kitchen made Jensen smile.

Jared

“Wha-?” It was too early for Jared to formulate a full sentence yet, but the sight of Jensen all awake and looking sharp set his mouth watering.

“Morning sleepy-head.” Jensen grinned and handed over Jared’s mug, filled to the brim with coffee made exactly the way he liked it.

Jared slurped from the brimming mug, eyes glazing over with caffeinated happiness. “Mmm, that’s perfect, Jen. Why are you up so early?”

Jensen bustled around, tidying up the whipped cream and syrup, brushing chocolate flakes off the counter, “Busy day today, got an early sales meeting to get in and then the team awards later. You know how it is.”

Jared nodded and drank some more of the delicious coffee. Now he knew Jensen could make it like this he’d have to start demanding this service a bit more often. For a moment he was so focused on the smooth, sweet coffee that he lost track of Jensen. After a long draught he put down the mug and looked up to find Jensen gone. He turned on the stool and came face to face with Jensen who was waiting with a knowing grin on his face. Jensen slotted himself neatly between Jared’s splayed legs, took Jared’s face in both of his hands, and pulled him in for a long, deep kiss. Jensen tasted fresh and sweet, mingling with the lingering coffee taste. His hands rested on Jensen’s waist, fingers aware of the hot, smooth skin under the surface of his shirt, feeling the muscles move as Jensen arched up and into him.

As abruptly as it had started, the kiss was suddenly over, and Jared almost fell from the stool, chasing Jensen’s lips. But Jensen was already walking toward the front door. Jared only knew he had to catch Jensen before he walked out, a kiss like that needed to be repeated. He reached the hallway to find Jensen waiting with one hand on the door handle. 

“Wait, Jen. Please don’t go. I want… I want…” He didn’t know how to finish the sentence, his heart was racing and his mouth was dry, but whether it was from their proximity to the outside world or whether it was a reaction to Jensen’s kiss, he couldn’t tell.

Jensen took a step away from the door and back towards him, cupping his cheek in one warm hand, “I want something from you too, Jay. I want you to come out on a date with me.” Jensen paused and Jared’s body reacted, half in fear and half in sheer _need_. “It doesn’t have to be tonight. It doesn’t have to be this week. I just need to know that it’s going to happen, okay?”

His fingers found their way to Jensen’s forearm, feeling the solid tendons and muscles bunch and flex as Jensen’s thumb slowly stroked his cheek, “I - I don’t know, Jen.”

Jensen’s lips brushed lightly over his own, soft warm breath tickled his ear as Jensen leaned in, “Think about it for me, would you, Jay?”

He nodded and Jensen turned to go, leaving him dazed.

Jensen

Jensen spent most of the day distracted with thoughts of Jared. Images of Jared’s small, pink lips, a strand of too-long hair tickling along them, assaulted him as he tried to concentrate on a particularly detailed spreadsheet. He spent half an hour thinking about the tiny light brown mole on Jared’s left cheek, nestled in close to his nose, remembering the way it moved when Jared smiled. Remembering the soft, wet slide of Jared’s tongue in his mouth kept him glued to his desk a little longer than usual, and made him a few minutes late for the afternoon meeting he had scheduled. He didn’t think it would be appropriate to walk in there with a folder tented over the insistent bulge in his pants.

The day wore on slowly, and finally it was time for Jensen to leave. As he made his way home, he wondered whether Jared would have an answer for him tonight. It was too much to hope that Jared would suddenly be ready to go out on a date with him tonight, but the thought that it could be in their future would be enough to hold onto. He rounded the final corner and their house came into view, the front door was open and Jared was waiting for him in the doorway. He walked closer and watched as Jared took a deep breath and stepped outside, walking hesitantly to the front gate. Jared’s knuckles were white where they gripped the gate, but he was trying to smile. The tentative way that Jared’s lips curved up at the edges made a lump form in Jensen’s throat.

He reached the gate and slipped his fingers over Jared’s, prising them from the cool metal and lifting them to his lips to kiss them. He manoeuvred them back inside and let Jared take a breath.

He shut the door behind them and turned to find Jared looking at him with a dazed but happy expression, a half-smile gracing his lips, dimples just beginning to pop into place. “I did it. Jen, I know we’ve been working on it, but that was actually almost…kinda…okay.”

Jensen smiled, “It was so good to see you out there waiting for me, Jay. You have no idea.”

Jared’s shy grin was heartbreaking, he had no idea how much he’d affected Jensen. “I thought about what you said this morning. I don’t think I’m ready yet, but I do want to go out with you, Jensen. I want it more than you could know. I just hope you don’t mind waiting for me, waiting ‘til I’m ready?” Jensen nodded, and Jared spoke again before he could say anything, “but until then, maybe we could have a sort of date night here? If there’s something we could do indoors instead?”

He shucked off his jacket and loosened his tie, took a step forward until he was just an inch away from Jared and looked at the taller man from under golden-lashed lids, “Well, I can think of one thing we could do.” 

Jared bit his lip and hissed as Jensen’s fingers skimmed under the hem of his t-shirt, brushing the skin of his hip. The skin there was soft and warm, but Jensen wanted more than just a brief touch, he pulled at the fabric, trying to lift it over Jared’s head at the same time as Jared started trying to unbutton Jensen’s shirt. 

It was clumsy and hurried, but so good all the same. Jensen pinned him to the wall and tugged off the t-shirt. Firm muscles bunched under his hands as Jared moved with his touch, one big hand slipping over the back of Jensen’s pants to cup his ass, another one pulling him up into a rough tangle of lips and tongues. Jared’s mouth was mashed against his own, and through the thin layers of fabric that still kept them decent, Jensen could feel the press of Jared’s dick, hard against his own.

One of Jared’s hands was fumbling unsuccessfully with his belt, and he could hear Jared trying to curse and kiss Jensen at the same time. He pulled away, laughing, “Wait, Jay. We’ve got all night.”

Jared’s lips and cheeks were flushed and he was breathing heavily, pupils blown black and wide. For a second he looked hurt at Jensen pulling back, but as Jensen slowly began to undo his shirt buttons Jared gave an appreciative grin. Jensen took in the sight of the prominent bulge in Jared‘s jogging bottoms, eyes automatically drawn there by the defined vee of Jared‘s shoulders and torso. He kicked off his shoes and socks before shouldering off his shirt. Jared’s fingers skimmed over the freckles that dusted his chest. Jensen shuddered and dropped a hand to his belt before remembering where they were, “Should we…?” He nodded upstairs and Jared darted a reluctant glance at them before continuing to stare at Jensen.

“I guess.” Jared mumbled, as if he didn’t really want to move.

Jensen took him by the hand and began to climb the stairs.

Jared

He couldn’t quite believe this was actually happening. Jensen’s fingers wrapped tightly around his own, and he was almost dragged into Jensen’s bedroom. In front of him was Jensen’s naked back, covered in delicious-looking dark gold freckles, leading down to two deep dimples that sat perfectly at the top of his ass and moved in a hypnotizing sway as Jensen walked. Jared wanted to get on his knees, bury his tongue in their depths and never come up for air.

Jensen kept hold of his hand and turned, lacing their fingers together so they were palm to palm, wrist to wrist, the beat of Jensen‘s pulse flush against his own. Single-handedly, Jensen tugged open his belt and popped the button of his fly. Jared swallowed hard, unable to tear his eyes away from the slow drag of Jensen’s zipper. He dropped his free hand to the waistband of his pants, easing it nervously down his hips until the fabric was free and fell to the floor in a puddle around his ankles. 

He never wore anything under his slouchy day-clothes, liked the freedom it gave him. He had a vague sense that he should have been feeling self-conscious, but all his energy was focused on taking in as much of Jensen as he could. The sound of Jensen’s zipper going down was almost drowned out by the pounding of Jared’s heartbeat in his ears. Finally Jensen’s pants slipped over his hips and fell to the floor. Jared sucked in a breath as he realized Jensen had slipped off his underwear too, and he had an unrestricted view of Jensen‘s thick, hard cock. 

Jensen grinned again, backing up to the bed while keeping his eyes locked on Jared‘s. One of Jensen’s hands skimmed lightly over his own skin, caressing a hardening nipple before dipping lower to rest on the pale skin of his belly, the other pulled Jared forward and they fell onto the bed together with Jensen underneath. The sheets were cool against his skin, but where their bodies met was a heat that Jared had been craving. Jensen’s hands roamed his body, caressing skin that had been untouched for too long. Firm, full lips dragged over the curve of Jared’s neck and down to the crook of his shoulder, with just a hint of teeth nibbling and teasing him perfectly.

Jared was about to reach down and take hold of Jensen’s cock when Jensen rolled them over to straddle him, a mischievous glint in heavy-lidded green eyes. Jensen slowly slid down Jared’s body and backed up onto his knees. He took Jared’s cock lightly in one hand, making Jared moan as a few drops of pre-come slipped out and onto Jensen’s hand. Jensen’s movements were slow, languid strokes that left Jared squirming, ready for more friction. 

“Please, Jen?” He moaned.

Jensen shook his head maddeningly, “Been waiting too long for this, Jay. I want us to take it slow.”

Jared pouted, which made Jensen laugh as he kept up unhurried strokes along the sensitive skin, gaze locked on the place where the full head of Jared‘s cock poked through the circle of Jensen‘s fingers.

Jensen

Jensen had only really thought this far. He hadn’t thought exactly about what he wanted to do once he got Jared into bed. Of course he’d imagined having sex with Jared more times than he could remember, but it didn’t feel right to rush into it now. They’d taken this long to get together, and he wanted to enjoy the anticipation of holding something back, saving something for another time. Like maybe after they’d had an actual date. His dick was begging for friction, though, and he was dying to taste the drops of pre-come that were already smeared on his hand.

He gave in and slid down alongside Jared, tongue slipping out to lick over the head of Jared’s cock just as his own lower body slid down in line with Jared’s head. Jared got the message quickly, pulling Jensen’s hips towards him and twisting so they were facing each other’s groins, both lying on their sides. 

Jared wasted no time at all, slipping Jensen’s erection into his mouth and wetting it thoroughly with his tongue. Jensen groaned and tried not to thrust forward into the wet heat of Jared’s mouth. He began to lick Jared’s cock in long, slow strokes, gripping it by the base and gently squeezing Jared’s balls. As Jared worked him hard and fast, bringing him almost to the brink far more quickly than he‘d expected, Jensen slowly lavished Jared’s cock with attention. Jared’s hips rolled as he tried to thrust, but Jensen had taken a firm hold of him, determined not to let this be over too quickly. 

For his own part, Jensen was close to the edge of orgasm. He tried to slow down his breathing, to make it last longer, tried to concentrate on pleasuring Jared instead of the sensations he was feeling himself. He slipped his middle finger into his mouth alongside Jared’s cock and wet it thoroughly, before sliding it back between the crack of Jared’s ass cheeks, slowly circling the hot, puckered hole. Jared gasped and stilled, allowing Jensen a moment to calm down and gently probe. At the same time he opened wide and tentatively let the head of Jared’s cock slide to the back of his throat, feeling the vibration of Jared’s moans shudder through him everywhere that they were connected. 

He felt the tight ring of muscle begin to relax underneath the light pressure of his finger, and let it slip just a little inside, up to the first knuckle. At the same time he pulled back, letting Jared’s cock slide almost out of his mouth until just the head was between his lips, licking it slowly, teasing the slit and sucking with a gentle, even pressure. Eventually his finger was buried deep in Jared’s ass, moving in tiny, unhurried strokes. He took Jared’s cock deep again, sliding as much as he could into his mouth and working it faster until he felt the thick length harden a little more. Jared’s shaft throbbed for just a second, and suddenly Jared was coming. Jared’s fingers tightened where they were clasped around Jensen’s ass cheeks, his body stiffened and he cried out, letting Jensen’s cock fall from his mouth and burying his face in Jensen’s thigh. 

Thick, hot spurts landed across Jensen’s tongue and pooled in the back of his throat until he swallowed around Jared’s cock, relishing the salty mess that Jared was making in his mouth. He held Jared gently and licked him clean until he shuddered and Jensen quickly understood the friction was becoming too sensitive. He twisted around until they were face to face again, curling Jared into his arms until his head rested in the crook of Jensen’s shoulder and his breathing seemed to slowly get back to normal.

Jared

When he opened his eyes again, Jared found himself staring at the hollow of Jensen’s throat, a bead of sweat trickled haltingly over the flushed skin and sat nestled in the little dip. He was half on Jensen, one leg slung over one of Jensen’s, one hand on the groove of Jensen’s hip. A little shifting about told him that Jensen was still hard, and he couldn’t let that go.

“You didn’t…finish.” Jared couldn’t quite bring himself to say ‘come’ even though he’d just done it inside Jensen’s mouth of all places. 

Jensen’s lazy grin made his heart constrict in his chest for a moment, “There’s still time, I wanted you to come first.”

Jared reached down and raked a light trail through the short hairs that led to the base of Jensen’s shaft, twisting them into little curls around the tips of his fingers, teasing softly until Jensen began to squirm under his fingertips. Jensen’s eyes were closed and his bottom lip was caught between his teeth. Jared let his fingers slip lower, cupping around Jensen’s balls and squeezing gently. He dragged his gaze away from the dents Jensen was making in his lip and watched intently as a trail of pre-come began to form on Jensen’s lower belly. 

Jensen’s dick was hot in his hand, the head slippery-wet already. A few long, rhythmical strokes and Jensen was breathing heavily, neck arched so his throat was exposed to Jared’s probing tongue. Jared propped himself on his free arm, straddling one of Jensen’s legs, giving him more leverage and better access to the rest of Jensen’s body. A quick reconnaissance mission revealed that Jensen’s nipples were definite hotspots, while the spot just under and behind his right ear made him buck up into Jared’s hand with an intensity Jared hadn’t expected. 

Stroking him harder and faster, Jared pressed a line of rough kisses along Jensen’s jaw line, feeling the signs of the impending orgasm building beneath his hand. Jensen’s eyes opened briefly to lock with Jared’s before wet heat spilled over Jared’s fist and Jensen let out a long groan, eyes squeezed tightly shut again, throat and cheeks flushed with the exertion. 

Jared grinned and flopped back down next to Jensen, ignoring the sticky wetness cooling over his hand, he pulled at Jensen’s hip until they were face to face and wrapped his arms around his new lover’s now floppy body. They were so close that Jensen’s eyelashes tickled Jared’s cheek as they fluttered open, and the slow intake of Jensen’s deep breaths left a coolness against his skin that was only taken away when Jensen breathed out again.

After a while Jensen’s light snores began to make their way into Jared’s awareness. Despite what they’d just done together, Jared didn’t know if Jensen wanted him to stay the night. After all, he’d said he wanted to take it slow, although traditionally going slow didn‘t really involve the two of them blowing their loads so quickly. Still, he thought he better leave.

He gently lifted Jensen’s arm and slipped out of the bed, squinting to find his pants in the now dim light. Jensen’s snoring stopped just as he found them, and Jared heard the sound of Jensen patting the bed. 

“Jay?” Jensen’s voice was deliciously gruff.

Jared swallowed, “Umm, yeah?” 

“Get your ass back in bed, would’ya? ‘S cold without you.” He heard Jensen pat the bed invitingly and grinned. Crawling back up the covers, Jared wondered what it would be like to go to sleep actually looking forward to the next day. It had been a long time since Jared had had anything to look forward to, a reason to even get out of bed. The possibilities of a future with Jensen made him happier than he had ever been, even before everything that had happened to him. 

The steady thump of Jensen’s heart sounded in his ears as he laid his head on the warm, firm skin of Jensen’s chest. Jensen’s arm curled lazily around his shoulders and pulled him in tight. There was safety in the circle of Jensen’s arms, and a promise that tomorrow would be even better than today.


End file.
